Yesterday, i was asleep when Jo's mobile rang. I never take it really well when i have to be waken up that way. It was almost 1 A.M. I wasnt a good sport on this one so blew up a little bit and the pounding of my head doesnt help the matter. Anway, when i was fussing around, Jo hot fed up i guess and she said something that admitted it or not, really hurt me. she said something like "i dont understand where do i get the strength to put up with you and your temper. You are just like kids with explosive temper".

She is probably rite, n trust me i hate me that much too. it hurts, the reality hurts!!! I think somehow i managed to drive one more friends away with my temper. Someone that i really care and cherished. I dunt know but without realizing it, i felt my tears were rolling down on my cheeks when i sat in the dark thinking about it. How i feel exactly is this.

I lurve being with her, i cherised her rare kindness and attention, i like talking to her, xcited goin on an adventure with her, will be more than willing to do anything for her to keep her happy while secretly hoping that she will treat me as sister does. Even my own sisters are such strangers. Not till now, that i realise how i crave for attention, approval and support from my family. I want them to accept me and enjoy being with me despite my flair temper. GUess i was wrong. No one can stand that!!!!!

Being rejected is definetly not a nice feeling. The reality that bites hard and painful is something that i just have to face. I am a loser that doesnt deserve anyone!!! Yeah that's what i am!!!!

Let's start my story again. I think by the end of one year i can practically have a book fill with sad and depressing stories enough to drive even the most stable person to insanity.

Last nite, i wentout with a bunch of friends, not really a good groups coz the persons that i'm comfortable with are one only 4 out of the crowds of 9. Anyway, Lee, Tony's flat mate asked Jo to go grab some drinks so ended up the whole bunch of us just tacked along n we ended up in Star City cafe, which looked way too xpensive for well, .........actually for me personally.
Anyway, everybody sort of think along the same line i think as not long after we left the place and opt for Passion Flowers in Darling Harnour for ice cream but on the way put we met the next group lead by Mr.Tony of Course. So jo promised to come back later on after Passion Flowering with us. I decided to accompany her to walk the short distance back to Star City and the time @ dat time was 1 A.M in the morning but she doesnt give a damn coz what she wants usually that's what she will get, not matter what. Hail storm and rain!!!!

What made me sad if a couple of remarks during the night. Like when Anton said "pindah aza ama Song" then she just blurted out " Ga mau ah, bisa berantem tiap hari kali, ogah aza", i think it's not the sentence she said but the way she said that really caught me off guard. She was saying it like the mere idea is really gruesome n she rather sleep on the street rather than spend a time under one roof with me. The whole reaction really upset me or probably i was just reading too much into the line but yeah i think the whole reaction is a little too much for me. Then the time when she snapped at me and want me to hurry coz i was trying to take pictures of the night scene, while it's ok with others.

After i walked her to Star City, she said things like "gua bukan anak kecil lagi, gua bisa naik sendiri kok". I know that's so right but at the time i was thinking that i want to send her up n just finish my duty nicely, like making a nice ending. BUt she wont allow me!! so i went home. I got to Hyde park at 1:30 n guess what? not even an sms to ask wheather i survive the nite or wheather i did managed to catch a bus home. That's a very sad reality isnt it?Or am i hoping to much from a sister that i care so much?

Lord, i find this whole thing to be really tiring. She was still snappy when she met me yesterday at Market City but afterwards when we met Suryani, she was her old self again. Is it me or is it her?? i dont know anymore. I know i'm sounding very touchy here but well, who wont??? probably Jo seriuosly need me to dissappear from her life and know it will be up to me to figure out how. Yeah i think it all starts with me, it has to start with me. Sometimes i asked my heavenly Father, how can someone be treated like this and still care??? Am i losing my mind? why do i have to hold firmly to what i have promised? It is so very silly and tiring and dissappointing and pathetic.

I feel really sad last nite.

This is the reason why. To begin with, i finished work round 830 p.m, then i went to Jo's place, just to say hi and give my digi-cam. Hmm, she was not in her usual self, in fact she was pretty snappy and grumphy. I have no idea what's wrong with her but she sort of made me really sad, coz in the end i felt chased out, unwanted n bla bla bla. I dunno...... probably just my too sensitive feeling kicking in again but well i did feel exteremely sad and heart-broken? hmm not sure if i used the rite word to describe my feeling. I am not even sure if i'm really sad coz of the fact that she sort of doesnt want me there or is it coz she doesnt want to tell me what's wrong or if i'm just overally upset coz she is that way. Hem talking about complicated, i think this is complicated.

Anyway, my Heavenly Father help me see things again, of course with the help of Asan, coz i talked to her about things that i cant put my finger on. I read the bible for the first time when i had problem, coz usually what i will do just slashed it out to ppl around me (those who know none about it), either that, or bottled them up before later on it all got spilled out and become a very nasty business. Yeah, i thank God for his generosity to answer me straight away like that, it's amazing if you think about it.

What today gonna bring, i have no idea, but i want ro surrender to My Lord so that i wont feel angry today.Gee......i definitely dont want to blow today, but i dunt really feel good this morning, i mean in terms of feeling etc. Ooo, i feel like craps......!!!!

I better end this depressing blog.

Hei...i think the title sort of self-explanatory here.

I'm busy!!! yeah that's it so busy and tired that i fell to nothingness like 10 p.m last nite, something that does not happen very often except if you r just to busted. I have a pretty good marks yesterday for DMM, 15/20. It's a group exam, me and Arief did te. It only account like 5% but it's ok coz seeing that mark sort of make missed the old days. The old days when mark was still fine.

I still have, let me see, 4 assignments to submit? one is due this friday, another one next week wednesday where i havent done a single thing. Oo yeah before that, there is one due on Monday. So hmm 2 assings for next week. Then we gonna have a break, yeah...a break if u can call it a break. But once we come back, i have to submit one for DMM, the killer assignment, on account that it's difficult. Then the week after one more.....arghhh.....the whole thing has become a litlle crazy.

I havent talk much to my pals these 2 days, somehow i feel a little alienated already. Hmm miss them.

Alrite gotta go to work. Gonna work till Friday, tired but a girl has got to eat not to mention the fact that diamond is a girl's best friend. There u goes, the ultimate reasons for working!!! Kekekeke......

cherios

OK,it's gonna be a very short entry 2nite considering it's 1 A.M in the morning.

I have such an awful long day 2day at uni. There will be another long day tomorrow awaits me so i better catch my beauty sleep pretty soon or else i'm gonna look like a walking nitemare, scaring all the cute dudes away.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, i just want to say how happy i am by Jo's decision. I mean she starts to stick with her commitment and decision. She is actually really 'fasting' n not visiting Mr.Tony everyday. Cool down period is what i called it, just so that the guy is not over the moon n think that someone is chasing after him and risking everything for him, and thus, take my sis for granted. I know that's not something that can be done easily, not by Jo, so i can understand her huge sacrifice to do that. Will she be able to withstand the desire tomorrow? well i have no clue!! let's what happen tomorrow. Today desicion is good enough as far as i am concern.

I am really proud of you Sis.

Hmm the title of 2day blog sound like Zil's fav nick name but i dont think she will mind hehehe.

I just want to say something bout what God has done for my sworn-sister Jo. He just answered our prayers by giving Jo a new office job in Mascot. It's really fast considering everything coz we were only being fasting and praying for 2 weeks the most and there u goes anwers from above. It's awesome!!

I had another argument with Jo yesterday. WHAT? AGAIN? yeah...i know it sounds stupid, i think i could easily win the most hatred sister in the whole planet. Anyway, the matter is resolved with another hard feelings between us, but more on a guitly feeling on my part but yeah what do u expect as a normal ppl? i think it's better to let everyone cool down for a few days. I sincerely think i have hurt her again with tongue-slashing of mine....hey, i just sin when i'm angry!!! what a downfall!Forgive me Father!!!

I dunt think i will see her very often anymore, not with her new job and her renew commitment and luv in the air for Tony. Hope she will be fine, hey, who am i kidding of course she will be all right!!! stupid me!!

Gee...got assignments, heaps of it and exam to take care of first. Not to mention to pay debts to daddy, which means lots of work as it involves lots of money. OK let's concentrate on these first. But can i do it?? HAVE TO!!!!

Oo yeah i have an appointment to see one of the guy to sign my application to SF this friday, after that i can submit it to Kate and off the documents go to America. Hopefully by next week, the documents are well on their way to uncle ben's country hahaha.....

radio, gotta go! that's it for now. Hmm i begin to enjoy blabbering here by myself. Good for the soul i heard someone say? go figure......

I had another argument with Jo this Wednesday. A small matter but somehow we were both got very sensitive and ended up hating each other. it's pretty quickly resolved though.

I feel pretty upset upset coz of this. Somehow we just cant understand each other. If i'm really going for an xchange, it must be very sad coz instead of creating many good memoirs, we are fighting each step along the way.

My uni work sucks. i have to wake up like 630 today to go to work. I am $700 in debts to my dad, so unless i work really hard, i'm afraid it might take what seem like eternity to pay it back. All for a party that ended up in tears on my part? hmm, is it really a waste? I have no anwer to that.

Alright, gotta go. need to change for work

Man....whatever that i have typed just went off like a puff, nowhere to be found. SHIT!!! do i really have to re-typed everything?? Gee.....what a disaster.

LEt me remember what i have blabbered just now, oo yeah about Jo suprise party which made me very dissappointed not to mention upset and hurt. I'll let ya judge the matter. the party is supposed to b over @ 10 pm but coz of the rain, we finished like 9 and have to rush to safe the food and whatever needed to be safed. Anyway, b'day girl left around 1030 to go karaoke with a gus called TOny whom she is having a crush big time, n left us!!!! Just like that....so she only round us for roughly 3 hours before going back to the city!! yeah dat's how the party ended, leaving me wet, cold, dissappointed, sick, in debts and sad beyonds words and consolation.

Tell me, do i sound pathetic?? Planning b'day party for a sister that always ignore me, hate my kindness, always forgetting my mere existance sometimes and never being there when i really need her but to proud to say something.

Ok in short my life sucks big time here in Australia, and i think i'm in dire needs to fix it or risking losing my mind in another half a year. I have heaps of things from uni to wait for my attention but seemed to me that i just lost my purpose of studying and overall dream to be someone big. I really need help here. Somebody HELP ME!!!!!

Gotta go. I will try to write as frequent as my mood allow me and wont let my blog get spider web, since spiderman is out there at large, no point to make him come back and stayed in my blog again.

The confused . . .

Hmm gua harus cari tempat buat tinggal nih. Kadang gua beneran ga pengen apalagi kalo remember semua yang bakal gua tinggalin cuman at da same time gua rada sedih aza rasanya.

Kalo dia bisa move on gua juga harus bisa belajar buat move on. Ga ada yang cocok di budget sekarang cuman gpp nanti pasti dapat.

"Mungkinkah semua harus berakhir?
Saat tawa dan canda berhenti jadi bagian hidupku
Saat melihat kebelakang dan tidak ada yang menunggu
Kesepian dan kepedihan yang harus aku lalui
Semua nya hanya kesia-sian"

Tuhan baik dan gua tau kalo Dia ga bakal biarin gua kayak gini aza.Iya gua harus kuat karna kalo ada org yang bisa tolong gua, itu cuman gua sendiri.

Harus mulai dari mana yach? mulai dari bertita baik aza kali yach. Gua dapat computer dgn harga 350 doang loh, pentium 4 n lumayan bagus...jadi ini menurut gua beneran berkat banget dari Tuhan. Cuman ari ini, gua keilangan kartu ATm n udah gua cancel sih cuman harus bayar $15 buat replacement card.

Gua lagi ga bisa tidur karna gua feel sedih bgt cuman yach, gua ga tau aza mo gimana cerita atau sama sapa. Ari ini rada ribut lagi ama Jo, kayaknya semakin susah buat relate ke dia. Dia ari ini ngomong something yang rada nyakitin lagi, dia bilang gini "idup gua ancur apa ga juga sebenarnya apa hubugannya ama loe, lagian gua ga bakal ancurin idup gua". Pas denger ini, gua beneran serasa ditampar. Entah mengapa, Semua yang gua bikin buat dia kok kayaknya salah yach??? bahkan worry gua juga bikin dia kayaknya merasa tertekan n sedih. Sepertinya emang gua tuh ga tau aza kali gimana treat temen karna gua kayaknya cuman tau bikin temen tuh sedih. Isa gua juga pernah bikin sedih, si Asan juga, Rein juga dan mungkin masih banyak lagi yang gua aza kadang ga sadar. Kayaknya jadi temen payah banget nih gua.

Enak nya gimana, gua ga tau. Gua beneran pengen ilang aza dari muka bumi ini kadang, karna mungkin itu lebih bagus, ato mungkin setidaknya ilang dari idup jo dulu kalo itu emang bisa bikin dia lebih seneng. GUa sedih liat idupnya yang kayaknya jadi penuh pura2 gitu, gua ga tau lah, cuman dia beneran beda ama jo yang dulu, yang pertama kali gua ketemu. Gua kangen deh ama Jo yang dulu. Tiap kali liat poto2 yang dulu, gua rasanya pengen nangis aza....kayaknya kok masa2 yang indah itu justru ilang nya paling cepet yach?? Semua seperti nya beku di dalam photo. Cman biar gimana gua tau gua harus belajar menerima semua ini. Saat ini gua cuman bisa pelan2 ilang dari idup Jo karna kayaknya itu yang dia mau dan so pasti lebih baik buat dia. Yach mungkin gua cuman perlu remind diri sendiri, kalo dia bakal baik2 aza, toh banyak temen yang lebih baik dari gua. Gua beneran pengen dia idup dgn baik, ga ada beban. Selama ini gua berusaha jaga dia n make life as easier cuman tanpa gua sadarin gua itu justru kasih pressure ke dia, ironic yach?

Udah malam, gua da harus tidur. Yach life goes on!! Gua harus belajar kuat n belajar menerima keadaan. Semoga dia bahagia selalu aza deh!!

Ari ini gua tuh yang kayaknya hot banget ama blog, sampe semalam yang tidur jam 3 ari bisa melek jam 9, kaget kan? gua juga ga nyangka bisa kayak gitu. Lalu gua bikin skin buat blog gua, masih belum bagus sih cuman dah lumayan lah yach.

Gua ari ini belajar satu hal, kalo org tuh ternyata emang lain banget. Seperti misalnya ada org tuh yang lebih mem-prioritaskan temen baru di banding temen lama. Lalu ada org tuh yang ga bisa idup tanpa kehadiran se-org adam misalnya. Yach menurut gua aneh aza. Mungkin karna semua org emang pada dasarnya beda aza.

Sekarang gua mau belajar idup di dalam dunia sendiri,kayak temen gua. Kadang gua bingung kok dia bisa idup kayak gitu cuman dia kayaknya lebih bahagia aza gitu.....cuman ada dia, dia dan dia. Eh bukan berarti dia aneh loh, dia anaknya kocak banget n gua suka gangguin dia aza gitu cuman yach untuk saat ini sih gua suka aza ama cara idup dia. DIa dah dari dulu tuh kayak gitu.

Semalam gua chat ama temen2 dari s'pore. Memory lama yang sweet banget jadi flowing back. Di banding keadaan gua yang sekarang yang kayaknya sepi sepi aza, lebih asyik deh kayak gitu makanya gua mau sering2 online aza cuman gak enak juga sih karna computer bukan punya gua nih. Aduh harus rajin nabung nih buat beli computer baru, moga2 minggu depan gua dapat shift kerja nih kalo ga kapan nabung nya coba??

GUa mau idup belajar selfish dikit, jadi ga mau mikirin org lain lagi. kayaknya lebih gampang, tapi apa itu baik? gua ga ga tau suh jawaban nya.....

Eh gua pengen nulis2 nih.....semacam bikin poem. Depressing kali cuman bodo ahh, emang lagi depressi gitu loh.

U lift me up so high till i can kiss the sun.
Then u Drop me so hard, till i kiss the earth.
The scar that u left is still so fresh
I wonder if it will ever heal.
I am never be the same again.

Ya udah ah gile nih udah online dari jam 10 pagi boo, mata juga dah berair!!!

cabut ahhh. Besok lagi yach

Mumpung lagi banyak kerjaan nih!!!! kita testing yuk!!!

Hmm, gua ari ini feel rada sad sih sebenarnya cuman gua merasa lebih ada kekuatan buat lanjutin idup gua, something yang kayaknya gua ga ke pikir bisa bikin. God is amazing!!! Anyway, kejadian yang lumayan huge impact my life n gua jadi banyak belajar walo well, it's really tiring n sometimes i dont think i can go on but somehow i could.

There are things that i am still wondering but instead of asking, dis time i want to keep it to myself coz probably knowing the truth wont set me free. Hmm, Jo told me yesterday dat she doesnt to life with me anymore, it's a very painfull statement n i'm really hurt n upset but somehow i know that i only want her to be happy. If living with me is like living in hell then i wont say anything anymore. I told myself to hate her coz somehow it's easier but that is the thing dat i find myself unable to do. Instead i choose to tough it out n just be the way she wants me to. It might not want i want, but wat do i want? Something selfish??? I wont do dat to her. She is a very important person in my life, really important and i want to be a quite shadow that will back her up during her down slides.

I see n feel many luves from my other friends, ppl that i never imagine will be there for me. But their shoulder to cry on, their free tears for my grief, really touch my centre core. I am blessed!!!

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- - - - - - - - - - - Jessy
UTS, Sydney
CEO To be